Cintamani's diary

I do not think I deserve their scorn.  I did not choose my profession.
My father was a religious brahmana.  He used to perform Durga-puja
regularly, and was often asked to recite the Bhagavata on special days
due to his beautiful mode of pronunciation.

When I came of age he married me to a very nice brahmana.  But after
only a couple of years with my new husband and his family, both his
family and mine were stricken with typhoid, and I was the only
survivor.  My landlord, Sri Ramacandra Khan, demanded that I pay him
rent.  What else could I do?  I had no other means of livelihood.

But somehow Durga-ma has been very kind to me.  I am paid well for my
performances, singing and dancing for wealthy men like the Khan and his
guests.  So I do not mind the scorn and back-biting talk of the other
ladies.

Day 2

Today was the last day of Durga-puja.  I wept bitterly, thinking of my
father, as the image of Durga-mata was given to the Ganga.  I made a
special prayer that she may end my suffering.  I cannot fool myself,
despite all my prosperity and the attention of wealthy men I am not
happy with my existence.

I went to perform at the house of the Khan.  He had new guests visiting
from the Zamindar's court, and wanted them to see me perform.  I
performed my best vasant-rati dance, and could see the men practically
drooling.

Afterward the Khan called me to his chamber.  He seemed very upset.  He
gave me some gold coins and asked me to do something.  He said there is
a Vaishnava called Haridas who had taken residence outside the village.
This Haridas was considered a very elevated person by some, and this was
causing trouble.  Sri Khanji explained that actually this Haridas is a
pretender, and so I need to demonstrate this by alluring him into my
arms.  Then the Khan could enforce religion and arrest the man.

I did not like the idea of trying to seduce even someone who pretended
to be a holy man, but Sri Khanji is such a wise and religious man.  He
must know best, and after all I was just being paid to do my job.  I
would not be doing any harm to this holy man.  Certainly to incite a
man's affection is no crime, though many people think of it that way!
What, are we not given these bodies, though temporary, to enjoy life?

I asked the Khan to give me one night alone.  Then, once I had worked my
magic and made this holy man into my swooning and love-stricken
follower, I would lead him and his soldiers to the poor fellow.

Yet still somehow I was troubled by this.  It just didn't seem right.

Day 3

Boy, what a frustrating night!  I went home from the Khan's palace and
put on my finest clothes.  I bathed and anointed my body with fragrant
oils and put the sweetest smelling flowers in my hair.  I adorned my
body not too heavily, but with my finest ornaments, sure to distract and
captivate the mind of any mortal man.

I then went with swaying gait to the place of this Haridas.  I listened
to him chanting his Hare Krishna Hare Rama for a little bit, then went
and offered my pranams.  I expressed my burning desire for his
affections.  This was the truth, for upon seeing him, even poorly
dressed and rather thin, I could see him shining with the light of
austerities and knew that here was a man so religious that, like the
sage Rsyasringa, he would make any woman happy.

I thought he would walk away or pretend to ignore me.  But no, he smiled
and looked at me and said, "I shall certainly fulfill your desire, but
first I must finish my chanting.  Please sit here and wait a bit."

Well, I sure did wait!  I waited and waited and waited and waited, and
finally the sky got rosy with dawn and he was still sitting there
chanting Hare Krishna Hare Krishna.  It was as if he couldn't get enough
of it.  I gave up and went home.  I'm so frustrated I had to sit down
and write about the experience.

I'll try again tonight, and I'm sure I'll be successful this time.

Day 4

Another night with no success.  But there is something strange about his
chanting.  I went and offered my pranams again, and also offered some
water to the Tulsi plant.  This time he said he had vowed to chant a
zillion names or something by the end of the month, and was still trying
to get his chanting done, and could I please wait a bit and he'd be sure
to satisfy me.

Well, it got a little boring just sitting there.  I figured I'd make fun
of him chanting and maybe that would get him interested in me.  So I
began to chant.  Actually my father used to chant that mantra all the
time, only it was Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare / Hare Krishna
Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare.  Haridas was chanting Hare
Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare / Hare Rama Hare Rama
Rama Rama Hare Hare.  But I guess when you chant day and night the way
he does it doesn't make much difference which comes first, kind of like
Valmiki who used to chant marA marA marA but it ran together into
marAmarAma rAma rAma rAma...

But I couldn't bring myself to mock him.  The funny thing is, I
experienced something very different and very special chanting Hare
Krishna in the association of Haridas.  I can't quite put my finger on
it.  I'll go back again tonight and see if I can figure it out.

Day 5

Oh, I am so wicked!  How could I think to seduce Thakur Haridas, my
Gurudeva?  He left this morning after completing his chanting.  As with
the night before, I sat and chanted with him, only this time I started
chanting right away, and tried to chant sincerely.

I began to understand what was happening: I was developing a taste for
chanting these names.  At the same time I found myself losing interest
in my career, all my fine clothes and ornaments, my wealth and the
attentions of wealthy men.

Finally I prostrated myself before him, weeping.  I confessed that I had
been sent by Ramacandra Khan to break his austerities.  I thought surely
he will punish me for this.

But he just smiled and said that he knew all about the envious
activities of Ramacandra Khan.  He had stayed longer only for my
benefit.  I could not believe my ears, yet my heart said this was true.
He had given me something very special and very sublime.  Before he left
he had me repeat the maha-mantra carefully after him, and he explained
that now I had been initiated.  He instructed me to chant every day,
live simply in his forest hut and worship Tulsi.  Then he left.

I must go now and complete my chanting.

Day 6

Today I returned to the village and gave away all my possessions.  I
traded my fine silks for some simple rough cloth, and used what little
money I had left to pay the barber to shave my head.  What a fool I was
to delight in playing Mayadevi, the very deputy of the illusory energy!
By the grace of Sri Gurudeva I had lost attraction for everything but
these sweet names of Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare.

Day 10

It has been some days since I have written.  I do not have so much to
say anymore.  My tongue is full of the vibration of Harinama.  What is
the potency of such a devotee as my Gurudeva that he has transformed a
low and fallen girl like me into someone who is intoxicated with
Harinama?

Today Ramacandra Khan came by the asrama and was very disappointed to
see that not only had I failed, but had myself been converted.  Not
seeing my Gurudeva, he left in anger and disappointment.

Day 28

Some villagers came to see me today.  They think I am some sort of
saint, but actually I do not have any real love or attraction for the
holy name.  In the association of Sri Haridas Thakur I caught some brief
glimpse of a shadow of attraction for the holy name, and I think I will
spend the rest of my life chasing after developing a taste for the holy
name.

But there is no harm in their thinking me a Vaishnavi, and they bring
some rice and vegetables so I need not be concerned for anything.  I
encourage them to chant also, but they do not always listen.

Day 29

Today a very learned Vaishnava came to speak with me.  Actually, he has
so much to teach me.  He is a disciple of Sri Nityananda Prabhu.  Though
he is a householder, not a paramahamsa like my Gurudeva, he is very
learned in all shastras and in the teachings of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu.

But I could not absorb so much.  He wanted to tell me all about Vedanta
and rigorous proofs and so many things.  I know these things are
important, but I thought, "Isn't everything in Harinama?"

Day 30

Again Sri Raghupati Cattopadhyaya came. I told him that I could not
understand so much philosophy, but simply wanted to chant as I had been
instructed by my Gurudeva.  He said that I was simply sentimental. If I
did not understand all the philosophy behind the chanting, I would not
get the desired result.

Then he became critical of my Gurudeva.  He said that I had received
cheap initiation, and that if I really wanted to make advancement, I
should become his disciple and learn shastra knowledge from him.  To
take proper initiation one has to pass through long periods of study and
purification, he explained, not just after three days.

I replied that my Gurudeva is a maha-bhagavata, a great Vaishnava.  He
shook his head and said, "You do not understand anything.  You don't
know shastra, you don't know Vedanta.  You are not a maha-bhagavata, so
you can't possibly know who is a maha-bhagavata!"

He said, "I am known all over this part of Bengal as a great scholar.
Become my disciple and you will also be famous.  Who will remember this
Haridas, who just chants Hare Krishna and is not even born in a brahmana
family?"

I said, "Sir, you are a very learned scholar and should not waste your
time trying to instruct a poor ignorant woman like myself.  You ask me
for proof that my Gurudeva is a maha-bhagavata.  You would also ask a
burning piece of wood for proof that someone has set it on fire.  How
can I prove to you that which you will not recognize or understand?  One
cannot wake up someone who is only pretending to be asleep."

At this he became very insulted and left.  I must say that I am happy
not to see him again.  I do not care to see the face of someone who
is so critical of my Gurudeva.  Where would I be without him?  What
proof do I need?  He has set me on fire with the chanting of the holy
name, and this fire is burning out all the dirty unwanted things from my
heart.  I know that soon this fire will consume me and I can become
engulfed in offenseless chanting of the holy name.

All glories to Namacarya Srila Haridas Thakur!
All glories to all the Vaishnava devotees!

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna  Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama        Rama Rama Hare Hare